27 September 2023
Friendships can be challenging at the best of times: hectic schedules, busy family lives, long working hours, and just everyday life often mean we can go weeks without catching up with our nearest and dearest. But when someone you’re close to is going through a particularly stressful time, such as ill health or being diagnosed with a long-term condition, it can become even more difficult for both parties to maintain a friendship. If you have a friend who has been recently diagnosed with a long-term, chronic health condition, such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis (MS) or stroke, you may be wondering how you can help them. Read on to find out how best to help a friend with a chronic illness.
At Healthcare Pro, we’ve spoken to lots of people about what it’s like to live with a chronic illness and notice that time and time again, whatever health condition they have, they bring up how important friendship is to them. As a result of our research, we’ve put together the advice below, which suggests how to be a good friend to someone who has recently been diagnosed or is living with a long-term, chronic illness.
Here’s how:
Let’s face it, unless you’re a medical, health or social care professional, it’s unlikely you will fully understand the ins and outs of having a specific, chronic illness. Research your friend’s condition on trusted websites to give you a clearer understanding of what they may be facing. You don’t need to tell them you have read about their health condition and remember that everyone will experience the condition differently anyway.
Many chronic illnesses, such as multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s disease and fibromyalgia affect individuals differently and may progress at a different rate for each person, so don’t make assumptions about how your friend will be affected. You don’t need to scare yourself or your friend with facts you’ve read. In fact, it’s probably wise not to tell your friend things you have read, be it positive or negative, which leads to our next point.
Friends often experience similar events during their lives, and a good friend is often considered someone who listens and gives advice and support when the other is feeling low or having a hard time. However, unless you have directly experienced what it feels like to be in their situation, it may be best to avoid giving advice. Your friend is likely to have been bombarded with professional medical advice. Unless they ask you specifically, don’t offer suggestions about how to feel better, what treatments you may have heard work or about someone else you know who has the same condition. Their experience is completely unique, and their journey will be different to everyone else’s.
‘Let me know what I can do to help’ is a much-used phrase when friends are struggling, and most people mean it sincerely. However, if your friend is coping with a new diagnosis, changes to their abilities, or changes to their way of life and independence, they may not even know how you can help, or feel they are unable to tell you what they need assistance with.
Instead of a generic offer of help, talk to them tactfully and sensitively about what they’re having problems with. Then, you are able to provide specific offers. Perhaps they need help with chores, childcare, shopping or gardening. Perhaps they have financial or legal factors to consider, and they find all the information mind-boggling. Or, maybe they want to get some exercise but are afraid to start on their own. Offer them solutions that you are able to provide and commit to. They may refuse your offers, and you should accept this as their prerogative.
Living with a chronic illness can be lonely and many people experience mental health issues such as stress, anxiety and depression. We recently spoke to Adam Hayes, a young stroke survivor who described the ongoing challenges and after-effects of his stroke, and how his social network was important to him: "The emotional effect of stroke is something people don’t understand. I pushed myself as much as I could but it’s a very lonely journey. I’d be amazed if anyone could go through it on their own. Even if, like me, you’re fortunate enough to have the loving support of family and friends, you can be surrounded by people but feel so alone."
Everyone deals with a diagnosis of ill health differently, so there’s no way of knowing how your friend will feel, and their emotions are likely to be up and down. Even after some time has passed, living with a chronic illness can mean life changes in lots of ways. Symptoms, medications and treatments can take their toll, as can uncertainty about the future, or a loss of independence. Your friend may want a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear when they need to talk or vent about their feelings and situation. Let them know you are there for them to express themselves however they wish, or that they can talk to you about other, everyday things if that’s what they prefer.
Initially, a diagnosis of a chronic illness may be difficult for your friend to come to terms with, and they may feel they need some time on their own with family. However, it’s likely they will be ready to see you or talk to you again at some stage, so find the right balance between giving them space and keeping in touch, and try not to leave it too long. We recently spoke to Richard who has COPD, a form of lung disease which causes severe breathlessness and fatigue. COPD can really affect a person’s day-to-day life and abilities. Richard was keen to share just how much it meant to him to have his network of friends around him:
"My family and good friends are amazing. I feel I see them more now than I did before my illness. COPD has changed my life in so many ways. I would have probably still been working if it wasn’t so bad. Daily life can be boring but someone comes every day to visit – be it family or friends."
Try to make time for your friend, but don’t force yourself on them. Seeing you could be the highlight of their day and improve their sense of well-being.
Many people have reported to us that their health condition tends to lead people to stop inviting them to places or events, and this naturally causes them some upset. If you’re planning a social occasion, the best advice is to ask your friend or their partner/carer in person if they are able to attend.
Many people with a chronic illness are keen to take the opportunity to socialise, but they may have physical restraints, such as a disability, that they feel will make this difficult for them or others. They may feel anxious at the thought of going out or seeing people and having to talk about their health. They may have symptoms that are difficult to manage out of the home. Nevertheless, ask them anyway if there’s any way they can join you, visit you, etc and try to find ways to accommodate their needs. Even if they still say no every time, it’s better to ask than assume they can’t or won’t want to make it.
Finally, sometimes you may need to accept that your friend is going through some tough times and may not have the time, energy or ability to put their ‘friendship hours’ in with you. They may not need or want your support right now. Don’t give up on them completely. Keep in touch with them and let them know you are thinking of them. A short text message, phone call, or even a traditional note through the door can help them understand you are still there for them, if and when they are ready.
Similarly, if your friend is being cared for by family, let their family carers know you are there for them as well. We recently spoke to Diane Wright, who cared for her husband Mick for many years through his multiple sclerosis. Diane told us how her family and friends were a lifeline to her, and explained that she welcomed offers of help and took people up on their kind offers as often as possible to avoid burning out herself. So, don’t be scared to approach their family and be a good friend to them too.
Friendship is so important to our well-being, and some friendships will stand the test of time, while others may not. All any of us can do really is to be there for our friends, be honest with them, and make sure they know we are there for them no matter what.
We hope that you now have a better understanding of how to help a friend with a chronic illness and are better suited to supporting them. If you require any more information and some guidance on who you can support, check out our Expert Advice Service. For anything else, please contact us today.
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